A Bit Of Fun

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A Smile From God?

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!

Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The

other 15% haven't been to prison yet

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy

marijuana, press the hash key..."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire

in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your

kayak and heat it.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other

one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving

today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking

Fine.' So that was nice.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish

search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect

that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Nothing's bloody expensive these days

Stuff you notice as you get older

That's no way to treat a lady.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire??

What a pillock!!

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'

The Princess said, 'NO !!!'

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The end

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Procrastinate Now!

The trouble with life is there's no background music...

Tiger Shark ?

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

The Next Pandemic

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, body aches, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil (Advil seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE:

If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.

BEWARE!